LONG TIME NO BLOG.

So, Christmas is coming up.
Finals are Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
I'm getting fatter and fatter...
oh, holidays.
I'm finding it harder and harder to stay awake anymore.
I love the feeling of just being asleep.
My dreams are beautiful...
my life is not.
I want to die...
to just dream forever.
I want to live in my dreams.
I feel safer there...
I really do.

SGD.

DEAR DIARY:

I've bled for so long,
I have no other day left.
I've been dead all along,
so you sat and you wept.
Cry me a river
go step on the scale,
You can skip a few meals,
but bitch if I fail?

X

You deserve to die.
Thanks Ana. I know this.

SLEEP EATING.

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night.
Sometimes, I'm not completely "awake".
Sometimes, I eat anything and everything.
And then sometimes, I wake up in the kitchen, full.
I hate this.
Wow.
Today = banana nut choco muffin, diet tea, 5 oranges,
tuna fish sandwich on white bread, bowl of almond crunch cereal,
peanut butter on white toast, cinnamon bagel w/ cream cheese,
ice cream sandwiches, candy, diet pepsi.

I think I deserve to die
The end.

WARNING: TMI.

I HATE when you look at me and tell me I look so much more healthier.

I HATE when you pinch my stomach and say, "You've gained weight! Good job!"

NO, WTF? WHY WOULD YOU FKING DO THAT!

I don't like hearing that I look "healthier."

That's your word for FAT.

I hate hearing that I look more full in the face, more color to me, etc.

I DONT WANNA HEAR THAT! It's COMPLETELY OPPOSITE to me.

i'm FATFATFATFATFATTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try to look sexy for you.

We roll around, we get ready to make love,

and you look at me, and say "You're too skinny."

What a fucking mood kill.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why the FUCK do people think that I like hearing "YOU LOOK BETTER."
Better how? Fatter? You only want me fat so you will be skinnier.

kajhfjlkhsdjkghadsljkgha UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this! I don't wanna eat! Quit force feeding me!

I step on the scale.

"What do you weigh?" you ask.

I hesitate.

"I don't wanna say, you'll get mad."

"No I won't," you say.

"just tell me, baby."

I lie to you. "101. don't be mad."

You smile, "That's great!!! congrats on getting to 100. i'm so proud of you."

I'm really 97. I smile on the inside.

I'm proud of me, too.

Oh yeah.

FAIL.

Uhm.. I was forcefed today. So ....
I don't even wanna think about it.
I'll make up for it tomorrow.

DAY ONE? SUCCESS.

Alrighty...
today i've eaten some weird noodle tv dinner, which was 449 calories,
but I only ate half of it, so yeah..
then I had an apple, and an orange.
I'm about to practice ballet in a few, that will be my exercise.
I'm glad today went well.

LONG WEEKEND.

It was terrible, i'm glad it's over,
but i'm not ready for the week.
Ana and I have held each other tight at night..
everyone thinks i'm recovered. EVERYONE,
that at least knew...
She's kept in my heart,
i'm hiding her so well.
Tomorrow is Monday,
tomorrow Ana and I will start over.
I weighed in today at 98.
My goal is still the same, if not lower.
I can't wait for the pain...

RELAPSE

sounds so good right now.
I think i'm going to start planning out my meals
(low calorie, for sure under 800)
by Monday. I go to my girlfriend's house on Fridays.
So I need to make sure I eat then. And they make me eat alot.
So wish me luck, loves <3

I'VE BEEN EATING

and I can't tell if I'm ready or not.

RECOVERY

Every time I want to recover,
Ana slaps me in the fucking face.
For that split second,
I want to gain to 105,
be healthy, able to breathe,
not be freezing 24/7,
and not lose my hair.
But then I look at myself,
and I cry. I can't deal with it.
I want to be WORSE.
I love it.
It's so bad, but I love it...
sometimes I wanna die,
and dying from starvation?
It just sounds beautiful.
So alive, so thrilling, so beautiful.

DECEMBER

It's the first day of December. I haven't eaten all day.
My grandma made me tuna fish casserole, but I'm going to get out of it.
I don't feel like eating today.
...I love that feeling.