THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

Yeah, you heard.
I'm bloated, my appetite is up,
major mood swings...
etc..
I hate this.
I'm in sooo much pain,
...I just want to sleep.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THE FEELING OF BEING FULL.

FOOD PORN.

I fucking binged.
I haaaaaaateeeeee myself.

Welllp:
I've had turkey, mac n cheese, chilli cheese dogs with mustard and ketchup,
cereal w/ vitamin D milk (wow), cereal bar... etc....... now i'm drinking a diet pepsi.
What am I gonna doooo?!

JUST AS ALWAYS

I didn't eat yesterday.
I didn't eat breakfast or lunch today.
But because of family/girlfriend, I'm having dinner.
I won't be able to stop.
Fuck.
Oh well, another fast perhaps tomorrow?

NOV 28.

Today, I ate nothing.
Toooo proud.

CRY.

I can't stop crying...
I feel my face burning.
I feel like i'm drowning;
the bitter taste of tears
choking me as I weep.
I want to bleed
I can't-
it's been months since I have.
Relapse isn't the answer.
....oh, fuck it.
It's okay, Raechel. Just this once.

RED.

Hunger is strength.
Why am I weak?
I love to feel hungry,
but then I give in.
I will eat one simple thing,
then I don't stop.
That's why i hate eating.
I write R's on top of my hands;
they stand for red.
Red is ana. Ana is my savior.
So when I try to eat,
I will look at my hands
and I will hear her whisper,
Don't give up. You're so close.

PILLS.

I take pills for depression.
pills for anxiety.
pills for my period.
pills for my stomach.
pills for my head.
pills for my purging.
now all I need are pills for my metabolism.
I have diet pills that I want picked out,
now I just need a ride to get them...

FUCK.

They fucking took my scale.
I can't find it.

ED SURVEY.

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[x] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me


I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs--psh[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself - though this never happens.


I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[ ] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people


I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs

BEFORE

Before I go to bed, I might as well say that I've decided not to stick with a diet.
I'm just going to eat as little as possible, always...
...starting after tomorrow.

I hate the holidays, she says,
only because you hurt me. you starve me. you kill me.
and I agree with her. When I eat, she starves. When I starve, she lives.
I don't want to kill her. I love her.
She may call me names, and force me on hands and knees,
but she is the reason I am where I am now.
I'm getting closer to perfection every day.
Thank you, ana.
You're welcome

GOOD MORN...NIGHT?

My sleeping schedule is alllll out of wack.
I'm not even kidding. I've been sleeping from like, noon to 4 pm.
Now it's 9 pm, and I have to get up tomorrow for the family dinner around 12.. (and look nice)
so technically earlier than that.
Ahhhhh, fml

SLUT.

I hear her whisper in my ear...
she calls me:
slut
fat
stupid
ugly.
I cry myself to sleep.
she smiles, she laughs.
You deserve to die, she says.
So I agree.
Fuck me deep with razorblades,
cut my insides, end today.

SIGH.

Well, yesterday I ate like everyone else, so nobody suspected anything.
I'm fasting today.
Tomorrow I have ANOTHER Thanksgiving dinner to go to, so more food then, and then fast again.
I weighed in today at 97.6.
At least i'm getting somewhere.

WOW.

Nobody ever answers me.
What's the point of this?

Anyways, today is Thanksgiving. Fuck my life.
Today i'm going to my girlfriends house and well, i'm gonna have to eat.
Alot.
I don't wanna even think about it.

BE STILL.

I want to die.
I'm so fat.
I wrote my weight # on the tops of my hands.
This will remind me not to eat as much.
I hope it works.

1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

This is me and my girlfriends one year anniversary.
I had to eat. I had to make her happy.
I had a big lunch, and an even bigger dinner.
Pbj, pretzel w/ cheese, tea for lunch.
Monicals cheese pizza and ranch, chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard for dinner.
Over 2000.
So, yeah I know, wayyyy over 800.
But i'm gonna fast tomorrow. I'm not switching any days, just fasting.
I had to do this. I hope you guys understand.

ABC.

Isn't easy as 1,2,3.
I quit this, gonna try to find a different diet.
It's too much food one day,
too little the next.
My body is fucked up

OUT OF TOWN.

My parents are going out of town- so i'm going to stay at my girlfriends house for two days.
This is bad. Realllllly bad. They make sure I eat... and when I say eat, I mean eat alot.
They have a good amount of money, so they like to go out to restraunts and such.
Or if they make dinner, we eat at the table together and THEY make my plate.
So I'm almost positive that i'm going to fuck up tomorrow and Friday.
If I can, i'll fast Saturday (since i'll be with her for part of that day, too).
Wish me luck....

DAY 4 ABC DIET: 400 CALORIES.

Okay... I didn't fuck up today.
For lunch I had half of a pizza stick : 103 cals.
For dinner I had lean gourmet five cheese lasagna : 290 cals.
Because fruits and veggies are unlimited, I had an apple along with my dinner : 72 cals.
All together was 465.
But because the apple doesn't count, it's 393 cals.

FUCK IT.

Well, because I already screwed up, I figured i'd turn today into a binge day.
Yep, you heard it. I ate a butterfinger, a cheese hot dog,
some weird mixture of creamy noodles and brocolli, and icecream.
I'm fat. Nothing else to it.
Tomorrow, i'm going to try my hardest not to eat. ANYTHING.
....

DAY 3 ABC DIET: 600 CALORIES.

I fucked up majorly.
I'm stupid. I fucking hate myself.

Breakfast- banana.
Lunch- snickerdoodle cookie.
Snack- (this is what fucked me up). 5 granola bars. 100 cals each.
Dinner- bowl of cereal.

I went up to like, 1100.
Tomorrow is 400 cals, i'm gonna try to stay at 300...
it's been so hard when everyone is forcing me to eat.
I think they know what's up.

DAY 2 ABC DIET: 800 CALORIES.

Okay... my dog was put down today. It's extremely depressing.
Of course i'm the kind of person who takes their emotions out on food.
But, I did well.

Lunch:
10 saltine crackers with peanut butter.
398 calories.

Dinner:
chilli cheese dog with some ketchup.
400 calories.

I ended it with a small banana.

So I maybe went over a teeny bit, but i'm glad I didn't binge.
I've just been crying all night... I hate this.

LIAR.

This morning I stepped up onto my scale.
*blink, blink, blink,*.....*97.6*
No, that's not right...
I take my clothes off and step back onto the scale.
*blink, blink, blink,*.....*95.4*
I scream.
That can't be right...
look at me. I'm HUGE.
Fuck you, scale. You are a liar.

DAY 1 ABC DIET: 400 CALORIES.

I wouldn't call today a success. In the morning I had a shitload of cheddar sunchips.. I think it's like, 150 calories for 15 chips. Well I don't know how much I had exactly but i'll go ahead and just say I had around close to 3 servings. Being that i'm stupid and wanted to continue in my bad choices, I had a dark chocolate peppermint patty. All together this was about 398 calories, so i'm good. :) But take note that all of this food was eaten before 11:00 this morning. So, right now, being it's been 8 hours since i've last ate, i'm STARVING. I can't wait until tomorrow. Goodnight all.

ALTERNATIVE ABC DIET.

I'm officially going to start my alternative ABC diet on Sunday.
Here's what it looks like: (days)

1: 400 calories 
2: 800 calories
3: 600 calories 
4: 400 calories 
5: 800 calories 
6: 600 calories
7: 200 calories
8: 800 calories
9: 400 calories
10: 800 calories
11: 1000 calories
12: 600 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 850 calories
15: 450 calories
16: 600 calories
17: 1000 calories
18: 800 calories
19: 400 calories
20: 600 calories
21: 1200 calories
22: 800 calories
23: 400 calories
24: 1500 calories
25: 1000 calories
26: 500 calories
27: 800 calories
28: 400 calories
29: 600 calories
30: 1000 calories
31: 800 calories
32: 400 calories
33: 1200 calories
34: 680 calories
35: 450 calories
36: 1200 calories
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 600 calories
40: 850 calories
41: 400 calories
42: 1200 calories
43: 1000 calories
44: 800 calories
45: 650 calories
46: 400 calories
47: 1000 calories
48: 1200 calories
49: 500 calories
50: 800 calories


So... wish me luck.

FOOD

I need to stop fucking eating...
for good.
I weighed in this morning around 97.4.
I gained a pound. I'm such a fat ass.

BINGE.

Eat... Fat... Eat... Fat...
all you add is one fucking line.

I hate myself. I'm fat, ugly, annoying, and unwanted.
I don't need to be reminded of how hated I am.
I deserve to starve until I die... and that's what I want.
I want to be thin. So I will starve until I am...
if that means dying in the process, so be it.